- Get into feeling innocent – allow yourself to let go and be friendly to lots of people with no expectation, seeing yourself as an engaging loving person.
- Give compliments, flirt and say what you want – it’s very sexy.
- Start your day with some meditation and some movement (as soon as you move you change your emotions). Set your self alive with programing yourself by saying to yourself “I’m hot” or “I’m beautiful” – it really works if you can have fun with it.
- Being embodied is sexy – you don’t have to be slim or fit, what’s important is feeling comfortable in your body and getting in touch with feeling good in it (whatever size / shape / ability / sex / gender / wellness you are). You can do this by practicing joygasms or blissgasms where you remember good experiences and bring the feeling of that through your whole body from the tips of your feet to the top of your head. Remember to turn your pilot light on through self pleasuring techniques. If you are already warmed up, it will be easier to flirt and connect and feel sexy.
- Get out and about to meet-up groups / talks / salons – you will get better at connecting through practice. Try out new things like burlesque dancing or a taster class in sensuality to give you erotic tips and new flavours for your own person sex menu (this is where you discover what you like affectionately, sensually, erotically hard and soft, visual, stories, roleplay etc.)
- Remember that you need warming up to feel good so give to yourself through self-pleasuring, fun (new and different activities) and talking to yourself with love and compassion – enchanting yourself with your own self talk takes practice so keep doing it and notice what happens.
- Make your bedroom into a boudoir so that you feel sexy when you go to bed and wake up, buy new clothes and underwear, go to sex shops, read erotica.
- Barry McCarthy says that there are different gear sticks or levels of becoming aroused and women are like a slow kettle and can need a lot to get in the mood. Gear stick one includes touch and affection – have a cuddle, get a massage, be playful, dance, swim, laugh, or watch a comedy. Gear stick two introduces sensual touch – touch your hair, lick your lips, reach out, if it feels right touch someone’s arm or massage someone. Gear stick three brings in erotic sensuality – self-pleasuring, pleasuring another, dressing up, going on a date with roleplay and different characters. Actually, engaging in intercourse ideally would be gear stick seven and would not happen until all the gear sticks have been engaged. So for men who are concerned about getting an erection or women who are worried about intercourse, try to look at sexuality and sensuality as a spectrum which can be accessed in all parts of your life, building and growing the fire inside of you.
- Good lovers make sensuality part of their ongoing life – they flirt, send sexy texts, they dress up, they try out new things.
- It’s very sexy to be open and vulnerable, say what you like and ask for what you want.
- You can practice being intimate and going towards people and pulling away. Look at tango videos and watch the three part tease (look, look away, look again, look away till you have built a rapport).
- Dr David Schnarch says that great sex comes with cellulite as it’s way more sexy to be with someone who knows themselves (take a look at photos of people in their twenties and then later in life, you may see people who have got to know themselves and the beauty in that).
- People who are over 60 are often having more sex than others. If you can start to see play, affection, sensuality, erotica, erotic play, erotic touch as part of your life then that will help. Indulge in massage, spa days, self pleasuring, flirting (flirting with everyone so that you practice saying hello and being comfortable rather than waiting for the “one”).
- If you find you are afraid of being seen as sexual or needy, see a Psychosexual Therapist from COSRT.
- If you feel responsible for others, try to develop a healthy selfishness where you get in touch with what you want, what you need, what gives you pleasure, and start to ask for it. If you breathe and relax your belly you will find it easier to get out of your head and negative thinking.
- Remember that most people are reading your energy not your age – if you are lit up, people will want to be around you.
- Look at your diary and check how much fun is there – and put more in!
- Release any thoughts about not being good enough or any difficult relational experiences by writing about them and/or getting some help to clear them out.
- We are following scripts in our heads all the time. How about creating orgasm scripts or scripts based on life becoming more sexy as you get older.
- How do you meet your needs and wants?
- See what support you need – physical (food, nutrition, exercise, clothes, money, home), emotional (an anchor person to check in with, going dating, friends to build confidence), spiritual (how do you let go and release stress or anxiety – is it a walk, yoga, swimming?)
- Sexuality is an energy that you can simmer and build if you practice connecting with it.
Kindness and the love hormone
October 6, 2023
