Couples, have you set any joint intentions for the year? It’s a great way to share a vision and move in the same direction together, as a team. Here are some suggestions:
Stop sweating the small stuff — this is essential for making it work in a couple. He/she may not fill the dishwasher as you would, but if you micro-manage them then you may find that they are less inclined to clear the kitchen at all! No one likes to be treated like a child in an adult relationship. It’s about finding ways together where you can express your desires, but equally give each other the freedom to be true to who you are.
Join the gym together — this can be very sexy and enormous fun to put on your gym glad rags and watch each other work out. Swimming, doing a yoga class and being in the sauna can induce gorgeous flirting. When we see our partner in an outside environment it can help us to see them as a stranger again and this can be very erotic.
Make time for sex! — It’s an illusion that sex will just happen spontaneously in an established relationship, especially once that Eros period has ended (often after 6 months to 2 years or once people have committed to each other). Once you have ‘won’ your mate it can be tempting to go back to your life and fill it up with friendships, work and activities and then wonder where the sex has gone.
For sex to be a continuum in the relationship, there needs to be lots of sensual fun experiences of well-being where you turn to each other regularly to connect, to flirt, to touch, to make eye contact. It doesn’t mean that you have to have genital sex all the time as you may once have done, but if you can make time for flirting, dating, touching, having fun, dressing up and going out, then it is more likely you will be able to keep this flame alive.
Sometimes when it seems like the flame has died then a dynamic can get set up where one person demands sex from the other and the other may feel managed and want to avoid sex. If you can begin to create fun days or weekends together and bring back presence and safety, then it is possible to enable that sense of play again. This can light the fire — not with pressure but with present moment experiences of well-being.
Try something new in the bedroom — it’s often a great idea to bring new ideas into the bedroom. For example, try out new types of massage or touch. Buy some new sex toys or fun equipment such as a pin wheel, a flogger, a feather or a whip to explore sensation and see what you like or dislike. Sometimes it can be fun just to get a sexy outfit and walk around the bedroom and surprise your partner (but make sure you are feeling good about doing this in case they are so surprised they don’t know how to react). Surprises and planning can really invite new sensory experiences that can enrich and enliven so much in a connection.
Plan surprise dates for each other — when you plan surprises for each other it expresses that the other is valued and important and this is a game changer. It builds closeness and alliance, especially if you both have a lot of responsibilities.
Dedicate time to talking honestly — listening to each other is very important if you would like to feel intimate and close. Listening is an art! We can assume so much about our partner without really taking the time to get to know them. If listening is hard then you can begin to build this muscle gradually. Try taking turns to express appreciations to each other. Deep sharing with the other can take a lot of courage but is so worth it. Your partner may not be psychic and may not know what is going on for you. Practise with your journal or speaking to friends to share what you are feeling, what is important to you, or what you desire.
Become better listeners again — taking time to slow down and create real moments of listening is crucial in a connection. You could time each other for five minutes each or take longer if you can. Quality presence is important as well as relaxation. It can be triggering to hear your partner, but you can always get help to do this with a course or a counsellor.
Rediscover each other’s personality — there was something that drew you to your partner, have you forgotten what that was? Do you remember the early days of dating ? How about writing visions together and sharing what your dreams are?
Don’t miss the point when arguing — I see couples often argue the same points over and over. It can be worth digging deeper to see if you are missing important issues. One friend’s partner is upset about coming home to a messy home and she feels that he is being fussy. What she is missing is that they probably have different values and when she dismisses this value for him, he feels disrespected. One option could be to work out a way together so that the home could be easier for him to come home to without her feeling a slave to housework.
Treat each other as well as you treat friends — we can often take our partner for granted or not share important information with them. If we don’t prioritise our partner, this will be ultimately destructive for the connection and can even leave it open for them to meet someone who is more interested in them.
Plan a vacation (or a few!) together — many couples who have struggled begin to create monthly weekends away or regularly take week breaks. Once they get used to it, they can begin to love and laugh again (and have sex). This needs to be done in a way that works for you — you could even create a break in your own home and plan walks, time in bed, a massage and turning off your phones. The message is “you are important to me” and it can work magic. I know marriages that have become revitalised with weekends away.
Find some mutual friends — it can be so healing to hang out with friends who know you both. Couples can suffer with couple shame, especially if there are any difficulties with family acceptance or ideas about not being good enough as a couple. But mutual friends can see and promote the best in you both and your couple can be loved as an entity in itself. There is an energy of ‘the two of us as a couple’ and it can be healing to have that recognised and appreciated.
Break your bad habits together — if you do feel aligned, this can give you a chance to stop looking at phones after a certain time in the evening or give up sugar or start exercising or look at your spending. If you do this together and you can find a way to be a team, it can be so powerful.
Become more grateful for each other — even one specific appreciation expressed daily can change the atmosphere of your connection (more is also great!).
Start cooking as a duo — this can be a fun and creative project of collecting ingredients and recipes and having adventures together in the delight of your own home.
Let go of those grudges — resentment really pollutes the atmosphere between people. We often can’t just forgive and may need to be heard by the other. It’s so important that you can find a way to release past hurt that has built up. You can start by getting in touch with your feelings and writing about them in your journal, seeing a counsellor and/or expressing them to release the feelings.
