I am really thrilled to be running a six week online course on attachment theory, designed to help one explore their own attachment and needs, but also how to respond to different attachment styles. This will also be a guide on how to become more confident in managing the different aspects of complex relationships.
Learning about my attachment style has been so healing and nurturing as it has helped to create greater harmony in my connections. I have discovered that my responses and reactions to others or situations could come from early anxious parts in my system. If I talk with someone when I am triggered then the conversation may not go so well. However, if I can take care of those parts and become more regulated, I develop new ways to repair or open a dialogue.
So it’s not what I say but how I say it and what I am emitting in my body or frequency towards the other that creates what happens. I joined Sex Journalist Bibi Lynch on her podcast “Love Twats” and encouraged her to meet a partner after being single since 1997.
Bibi shared with me that on dates, she took a bag that said “back off,” wore her dad’s old fishing jumper, and made lots of jokes. I wondered if she had disorganised attachment (wanted connection but was afraid of it so dropped emotional bombs to test people).
I suggested that she might be sabotaging the dating process. She started to think about this a lot and has been working on these parts of her that might not wish to be vulnerable, and she has now met someone.
I am so pleased that Bibi is now exploring different ways of connecting and not revert back to parts of herself that might be used to being single and could easily get rid of a potential mate. I suggested the following:
1.
Keep in mind your Saboteur part may want to turn up (when that rock n roll character wants to come in – it’s been working hard to keep you single, so it has lost its job and may want its job back.).
2.
Have trusted people to speak to regularly about any fears and maybe also someone to provide perspective on your situation. Just remember that you are good at relationships and you have nurtured deep friendships for years- you can keep growing this.
3.
Maybe ring a good friend if you feel you might want to let off steam on your partner; take it somewhere else.
4.
Tune in in your true heart what would you like -what would be the happy ending – would it be travel, living together, marriage?
5.
Get to know your attachment style and what you need to be able to regulate your nervous system so you can stay steady while connecting.
6.
There are two choices in relationships:
A. To ignore what’s going on underneath.
B. To dare to listen to each other deeply- which can be triggering but ultimately leads to real intimacy and being able to tend to each other properly.
What we say in couple work is that we have harmony, rupture, despair, but if we listen, we can have harmony, rupture, repair.
Rupture is a guarantee in relationships, but it is couples who repair often and quickly that keep the connection good and happy. (Gottman Institute have done many years of studies on couples)
7.
Check out what you and your partners love languages are (Gary Chapman free test online) and make sure you are attending to them.
8.
Affirm that you want love each day and be open to receiving that.
Here is a wonderful exercise to use with your partner:
Of course, we can have all kinds of different cycles in our relationships as we move in and out of closeness and intimacy and as we learn about ourselves and others and what we need and want. In couples, it can often seem like a rolling of harmony, rupture and despair, and I may see people when they are seeking harmony, rupture and repair. This can take a lot of courage to truly work through.
It is said that if we don’t have ruptures in relationships then we don’t get a chance to repair and to actually go deeper. Sometimes, I’ll work with couples who splitting because they were never able open up certain conversations. The connection may have seemed peaceful on the surface, but not addressing certain difficulties meant that closeness may never have been developed. Ultimately, this may lead one of them to distance themselves and to seek that closeness somewhere else.
I have also worked with couples that are always in rupture, and they can’t seem to find a way to heal and meet each other, and this can be very painful. It can take a lot of courage to really hear how you may have hurt or missed each other, and it can be very triggering to hear someone else’s “truth”. The blame game can be really hard to step out of here
Occasionally, we are in a relationship and have our dysfunctions flagged up to us, and it doesn’t mean you have to stay forever, but maybe you should leave. The connection may have shown you a lot about your own trauma, and maybe that was its job.
When we are young, we necessarily have to prioritise our caregivers as they are like gods when you are small. Whether you feel secure or in survival may guide whether you are able to stay in your centre and listen to your own inner wisdoms when with yourself or others and act securely attached.
Many of us gave up our central locus of power and may have given our locus of loyalty and control to others where we tried to please or look after others to feel safe. In some cases, people may never have been able to relax in close connections, and some may just avoid getting involved deeply with people to manage anxiety. This may look like avoiding conflict (avoidant attachment style), pushing for conflict (anxious attachment) or dropping emotional bombs to test for trust (disorganised attachment).
Either way these patterns don’t help with creating the joy and fun of a deep relationship and it can seem like relationships are a nightmare and to be avoided. However, when we do get involved with people these issues or patterns may arise. Some people get help to work this through, or they might dare to have very honest conversations. Some stay miserable, feeling that’s all they can hope for. And some get out.
What I am understanding more and more, is that if people can be more resourced and learn how to regulate their nervous systems so they can operate from their own locus of evaluation while being able to listen and connect to others, they can begin to navigate the dance of relating. Often, this means much more community, fun, joy, and being aware of stress levels, but also beginning to understand your own attachment style and how that might be influencing how you are in relationships. Or even what style the people around you are in and how you can relate to them in a way that would help them be more open to you.
So, I am looking forward to a deep dive into this area, with my Anxious to Secure Attachment course.
